“So what did you name her?” Patrick, a sophomore who was tall and lanky with curly dark hair and square hipster glasses, asked as he helped Bryan lift the plastic tub of beer up onto the counter top.
He glanced over to Carolyn and smirked. “I’m going to name her Cootie…” he thought of another C word for a moment. “Cootie… Champagne. That works.”
Carolyn looked up from the plate of Trader Joe’s appeteazers she was arranging on a large platter long enough to give her boyfriend the finger.
Bryan hooked up the hose from the Keg and opened up the valve to start the transfer. “I christen thee ‘Cootie Champagne Brew’” he said as he lightly tapped the side of the fermenting bucket with an empty fat tire bottle with a clank.
“Well, hopefully it will be better than that Banana Beer fiasco.” Patrick shuddered. The odd aftertaste still fresh in his mind even though it was nearly six months prior.
“Banana BREAD Beer. I think it fucked up because the Banana Bread I mixed in already had yeast in it so it didn’t ferment right at all.” he watched as the golden liquid filled the translucent tube and flowed into the large metal canister below.
Jennifer, a busty beach blonde with a perpetual tan, popped into the kitchen. “Hey Carolyn, where do you want the chips to go?”
Carolyn pointed to the folding table near the back door. “Just place the bag there for now. I’ll get a bowl for them as soon as I finish this.”
Maggie version 4.0 came downstairs, pulling her light pink hair into a ponytail as she crossed the living area into the kitchen, her bra straining to contain her significantly more mature bosom. “What can I do to help get ready for the party?” she asked as Patrick tried not to stare too obviously at the rapidly maturing teen. She seemed older every time he came over here, but he reminded himself she was only 13.
Bryan tilted the plastic container to finish emptying out the fermentor into the keg. “I dunno. How about putting a stack of games over on the side table?”
“Got it.” she said as she went back out in the living area and started pulling boxes from the wall shelf, her added few inches of height eliminated the need for the foot stool she usually had to use to the the big games off the top shelf. She could now reach them on her tiptoes.
“Don’t forget to include Codewords and Dixit.” Carolyn bellowed from the other room. She wanted some variety so everyone wasn’t just playing strategy games all night, even though Bryan would be totally happy with that.
Bryan disconnected the siphon hose from the keg. Patrick handed him a glass. “You’ve still got some in there. Tip it over into my glass. I’ll be your first guinea pig to make sure this stuff doesn’t poison anyone again.”
“Yeah, yeah, right…” Bryan put the tip of the hose into the glass and held it lower than the fermentor, emptying the last of the mix into it - about three-quarters of a glass. He handed it back over the Patrick. “Here ya go. Be honest with me…”
Patrick jokingly swirled it around his glass like it was a fine wine, then sniffed it. “It has a nice bouquet.” he said in a faux British accent. He then took a sip.
“Oh shit.” he said, his eyes going wide.
“It’s bad, huh?” Bryan looked dejected. This was the third batch in a row that had gone south.
“No. On the contrary. This is fucking amazing!” Patrick took another bigger drink. “It’s very earthy, a little citrus-y, but also refreshing and very smooth.”
“Seriously? It’s that good?”
Patrick took another drink, this one a fairly large gulp. “Dude. This may be the best beer I’ve ever had in my life. No joke.”
The doorbell rang and Maggie shouted “I’ll get it!” from the other room as more party guests arrived bearing gifts of food and spirits.
"I hope you wrote down this recipe because this is a winner for sure." Patrick commented as he finished off the rest of the glass.
Brent and Karla, a pair of dating seniors who now had their own apartment off campus and often joked about ‘adulting’, entered the kitchen carrying a paper plate full of jalapeño poppers and a case of Sam Adams. "We brought some backup in case Bry decides to poison everyone again." He said plopping the case of beer precariously on top of the keg.
"Seriously... this shit is fucking good." Brent said as he glanced over to Maggie. "I meant it's fracking good - like in Battlestar Galactica. Sorry."
"Sorry for fucking up?" Maggie laughed at everyone's discomfort and nervous laughter.
Bryan chimed in, "We have an agreement for unlimited cussing, and, in exchange, she doesn't drink all our beer."
"She thinks it's gross anyway." Carolyn added. "Maybe in 8 years when she's of age."
“Damn. She’s only 13???” Karla said looking her up and down. “Goddamn it. Kids today are maturing faster than ever." She took a swig of the newly opened Sam Adams. “I wish I was that developed at her age.”
“No you don’t.” Carolyn joked “because then you’d have to deal with 13 year old perverts.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It was bad enough being an A cup until I was old enough to get these.” she jiggled her tight bosom. “You know, I read an article that said that kids are hitting puberty faster because food companies are messing with the DNA of chickens to make them grow bigger."
"Bull... shit." Patrick countered.
"No, really" she continued "They use genetics to plump the chickens up that we eat. And then kids eat a lot of nuggets while they are still developing. And then, BOOM. Instant puberty."
"That would explain her recent growth spurt." Bryan joked. “Well, let’s ask the expert. She’s a genetic genius and has been known to manipulate some DNA on occasion - in the school lab at least…” he quickly covered his accidental reveal. “Any truth to Karla's story?"
“Well, anything is possible, but human DNA and avian DNA have very little in common, so I believe it would likely be implausible for one to influence the other.” Maggie said, pausing for a confident moment before continuing. "But I will admit to consuming a plate of chicken nuggets for lunch earlier today."
The kitchen erupted in laughter. Charlie arrived just as it died down. "What'd I miss?"
"Nothing. You had to be there." Patrick said, patting his best friend on the shoulder. “C’mon, let's get you some special brew, ASAP." He drew a partial glass from the keg. “Bryan did right this time.”
"Hey, no!" Bryan yelled, stopping the flow. “C’mon man. Wait ’til everyone else gets here. You're gonna drink it all before the party even starts, ya dick!”
Patrick passed the half glass over to Charlie. "Okay, he’ll only get a sneak preview like I did, then, okay?”
Charlie downed the glass as if it were milk. “Oh, fuck me that's good beer!" He glanced at Maggie. "Oh, shit - er shoot. I'm sorry!"
-----
Over the next hour, the majority of guests streamed into the townhouse, crowding nearly twenty people into the smallish downstairs area.
At one table, a few started up a game of Betrayal at House on the Hill immediately.
In the corner, a group of eight were laughing hard creating comic strips in Joking Hazard.
The less adventurous broke out an aged box of Monopoly that was missing the car token. Patrick was part of the Monopoly crew, mainly because he had a thing for Rachel. Patrick fanned himself with his phony cash as sweat beaded on his forehead.
Once the twenty or so guests had arrived, Bryan officially declared the keg open for business and manned the tap, while also enduring many, many, many jokes at his expense for last Fall's fiasco. But every single person who took a sip of his special brew all declared the same thing: it was a top notch brew.
"Hon, you want some of this?" He asked Carolyn through the opening above the counter bar into the living room, as the busy line for suds finally ended and he took the opportunity to pour a glass for himself last like he was taught a good host does.
"I'm good." She said from the Dixit table where she and Maggie were currently dominating.
He held the golden liquid to his lips and drank it down. It was incredible. Definitely the best he’d ever had. "They weren't kidding. I could freaking bottle this stuff! You sure you don't want some?"
"Maybe later. I don't want to mix beer and wine this close together
Patrick came up to the counter.
"Want some more?" Bryan asked, noticing his friend looked a little pale.
“Nah. Can you get me some water?" He asked as perspiration was pouring down his face. "It's really hot in here."
"Yeah, buddy. Tap good?” Patrick nodded as Bryan dropped some cubes in a Solo cup and ran tap water into it before passing it on to him. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." His voice cracked on the second word. "It's just a little crowded in here so it's warm." His voice was increasing in pitch with each syllable. He drank the water down quickly, dribbling much of it over his chin.
He looked up at Bryan and handed him the cup back. "I think I need some more, please." the perspiration had soaked his hair and flattened it considerably to the point that he had to push it out of his eyes a bit. Those eyes were also squinting because he was having a hard time focusing on anything.
Bryan turned his back to get more tap water.
“Huh, how weird…” Patrick’s voice had risen even more.
Bryan filled the solo cup again and asked “Oh yeah, what’s weird, Maggie?”
“I did not say anything was weird!” Maggie called back from the other side of the kitchen bar as she placed her card on the table.
“I can see more clearly without my glasses.” Bryan heard more closely to him, but as he turned around the familiar voice was coming from Patrick’s mouth.
Patrick was now streaming buckets of fluid as he stared wondrously into and out of the lenses of his glasses. He lowered them and looked way up at his friend. “Did you get taller…?” Patrick tried to clear his throat “Um, something strange is going on.” he said weakly as he felt the odd sensation of hair follicles pushing rapidly out of his scalp.
“Oh shit.” Bryan whispered to himself as he started to piece together what was happening to his friend.
At Patrick’s feet were oversized Nike shoe’s surrounded by a huge puddle of water collecting on top of the rug. To Patrick, it felt oddly like the pair of chunky glasses in his left hand was slowly growing larger, but as he glanced around the room, he realized that EVERYTHING was slowly growing larger, including his friends, most of whom were now focused on him out of extreme concern and confusion.
He pushed straight brunette hair out of his eyes again with his right hand and then held the tiny appendage in front of his face, marveling at its smooth complexion and short slender fingers that flexed at his command. “Okay, this is a super weird trip.” he said in a voice that had finally settled into a much different register.
“Oh shit.” Maggie’s voice echoed almost perfectly from across the living room as she also pieced everything together. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” she whispered to herself in an old obsessive ritual/bad habit that she had broken herself of a few years prior, but which reared its head whenever she was feeling overly stressed.
Carolyn looked from Patrick’s ongoing metamorphosis over to her roommate. “Maggie, what did you do?”
“I do not know how this has happened!” she cried. “I do not know. I do not know. I do not know.” she rocked back and forth in her chair, pulling her knees up to her chest and covering her hands over her ears.
The now diminutive, petite Patrick stood next to the rising counter, all eyes on him as he looked around the room, back down at his oversized and oversoaked clothing, and then back up at everyone else again. “Guys, I’m kind of freaking out here.” he said, patting himself to confirm that it was all real. “What the fuck is going on with me? I look and sound like a girl…”
“Don’t worry, buddy.” Bryan said, now towering over his once taller friend by nearly a foot. “We can fix this, I swear!” He put a reassuring hand on his tiny shoulder.
The entire party was eerily silent as they tried to wrap their head around the younger, shorter, and currently, more brunette clone of Maggie that stood in the place where Patrick had stood only moments before.
At the Betrayal at the House on the Hill table, Charlie glanced away from his physically transformed best friend for a moment to grab a paper towel. He used it to dab the perspiration from his forehead.
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